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Cartoon Laws of Physics

Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second squared takes

over.

Cartoon Law II

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, thus the attempt to capture it will be inevitably unsuccessful.

Source: "laird@cs.byu.edu"

Continued Next Week

Hiring Tips

To hire effectively and lower turnover:

• Come up with a list of "knockout" traits before the interview process. Examples: Agree that candidates who arrive late or have held three or more jobs in the past five years won't be considered.
• Have new hires and their managers sway daily feedback to help establish open communication.
• Develop a "buddy system." Assign each new employee a "buddy" - a veteran employee - who will be available to answer questions and help the new hires get to know the organization.

Source: Mary Gelerman, senior vice president, Olsten Corp., Melville, NY, cited in Human Resources Executive, 747 Dresher Road, Horsham, PA 19044.

More Top Tips

• Keep e-mail messages to one question or point even if you have to send several on one topic, advises Daniel Burrus, author of Technotrends. Reason: You'll get a faster response because the receiver doesn't have to scroll back and forth trying to figure out how various points or questions relate.

Source: Sales & Marketing Management, 355 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10010.

• To reduce the chance of an error when you give telephone or credit card numbers on the phone, say "zero," not "o."

Source: Personal Selling Power, P.O. Box 5467, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

• To question job candidates successfully, remember "O.U.C.H.": objective, uniform in your routine, consistent with what you ask, and have job-related questions prepared beforehand.

Source: The Take-Charge Assistant, 135 W. 50th St., New York, NY 10020.

• Send anniversary cards to customers to commemorate your long-term business relationship. You'll remind them of how reliable you've been through the years.

Source: Ting Huong Sing, Lot 1473 Jalan Nyigu, P.O. Box 344, Bintulu, Sarawak, Malaysia, 97008.