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Collection of Humorous Phrases

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why is the word abbreviation so long?
• When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

A Leadership Test

To find out if you're a true leader, see if you possess these qualities:

• Leaders start projects by asking, "What has to be done?" instead of "What do I need?"
• Leaders next ask, "What do I have to do to make a real contribution?" The answer best suits the leader's strengths and the needs of the project.
• Leaders continually ask, "What are my organization's purposes and objectives?" and "What qualifies as acceptable performance and adds to the bottom line?"
• Leaders don't want clones of themselves as employees. They never ask, "Do I like or dislike this employee?" But they won't tolerate poor performance.
• Leaders aren't threatened by others who have strengths they lack.

Source: Peter Drucker, cited in Forbes ASAP, 60 5^th Ave., New York, NY 10011.

Post These E-Mail Guidelines

Here are some e-mail guidelines you may not find in a policy manual. They come from John R. Quain, a contributing editor at PC Magazine:

• Limit the number of people you send copies to so you won't irk those who must deal with messages that don't concern them.
• Help reduce the endless e-mail cycle by sending thank-you notes only for significant favors.
• Don't include the text of messages you reply to. Doing so needlessly lengthens your responses. And if senders can't recall what they said, it couldn't have been important.
• Take the same care with spelling and punctuation that you would take with any other message.
• Test every message you send by answering this question: "Will it matter if the boss sees it?"
• Get the sender's permission before you forward messages that are personal or in any way controversial.
• Let messages written in anger sit for a while. Chances are you'll cool off and won't send them - avoiding needless conflict.
• Check before you send attachments. The receiver may already have the material.

Source: Fast Company, 77 N. Washington St., Boston, MA 02114.